“Dancing is not just getting up painlessly, like a leaf blown on the wind; dancing is when you tear your heart out and rise out of your body to hang suspended between the worlds” - Rumi

I am alone on stage. Alone in the darkness of the theater. There is no music, only silence. I walk towards the darkness where the audience resides, but see nothing. I only feel the focus of their gaze on me. I stand exposed, naked in emotion. My sadness, my grief, my loneliness laid bare. I am not acting in this moment like I often do on stage. I am fully myself. Exposed, naked in emotion. In this moment, I am seen.

“One thing we do know: Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness. How do you know this is the experience you need? Because this is the experience you are having at this moment.” - Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose

Adrian Fry, Principal Dancer with Ballet West, has been sharing some amazing wisdom about mental health on his personal Instagram page. I encourage you to read his posts @fryadrian. Thank you for inspiring me to share some of my own mental health reflections.

Nicolo Fonte’s ballet Beautiful Decay originally premiered in 2013 on BalletX in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. I remember hearing about this premier, and ever since have eagerly sought the opportunity to see this ballet. The six and half hour drive from my home in Salt Lake City was well worth the effort to see this piece performed live by Aspen Santa Fe Ballet. Nicolo’s choreography so beautifully encourages the audience to pause and take notice of life, and it’s inherent beautiful decay.

As dancers, we demand a lot of our bodies. We become accustomed to pushing our bodies to their limits day in and day out. Performing at a high level becomes the norm. We expect more and more of our bodies and may even begin to take them for granted. Looking back on my career, I can see that I began to take everything my body did for granted. The ability to perform such complex and intricately beautiful movement is such a gift. Our bodies are a gift.

Before every performance, each dancer arrives at the theater and begins their personalized ritual process of preparing for a show. It is a beautiful process. It is a sacred process.

After I retired, I stepped away from ballet for a full year. I wanted nothing to do with it. My heart and soul felt broken from years in the professional ballet world. By the end of my career, I struggled to access the original love I had for dancing that was buried under years of criticism and judgement. I knew I had to step away. Our relationships with dancing, our love and grief, are an ever evolving journey. That time away was important. I needed time to heal my heart.