University of Utah, School of Dance Q&A

Question:

With compassionate pedagogy in mind, I am wondering where Weldon learned self-worth? Was it in ballet she learned to value self? If willing to share, I would be interested in hearing a personal story of how she learned these things? - Mary Nuttall, a graduate student in the Ballet MFA program at the University of Utah  

Response:

Hi Mary!
Thank you so much for your questions! It was so lovely to ‘meet you’ today! My response is a little long, but I hope it answers your questions :)

By the time I retired, I wasn’t well emotionally. When I was dancing I never felt good enough. I felt like I was beating my head against a wall trying to do everything I was told to do and it didn’t work out well for me. It was a harsh realization that compromising your well being simply doesn’t pay off. Honestly, I question whether there is a space for compassionate pedagogy in the professional realm currently.... But that is also based on my personal experience ... I HOPE that space exists? And that people are actively creating that space? (For reference, compassionate pedagogy is a holistic approach to teaching that honors students' mental, emotional, and physical well-being.)

For a long time I also had the belief that my value was tied to my achievements. I had value because I made it as a professional. That is a slippery slope. Then it became well, once I get promoted then I’ll feel good enough... this feeling of ‘good enough’ was just always out of reach no matter what I achieved... and then I was just left feeling always NOT good enough. (after thought: this was also an attempt to create a feeling of safety and security. In the corps I felt disposable. I saw dancers in the upper ranks as not only having more dancing opportunities, which was what I wanted, but they also had job security. I am reminded of a quote by Pema Chödrön, “We spend all our energy and waste our lives trying to re-create these zones of safety, which are always falling apart. That's the essence of samsara - the cycle of suffering that comes from continuing to seek happiness in all the wrong places.”)

So I’ve been on this journey to seek healing for myself (and hopefully others). I try to find ways to live in peace and ease in the moment, because the present is all we have, truly! And as cliche as all these sayings are, I try to look at everything as a practice. We don’t suddenly arrive at the place of ‘now I have self-worth. I’ve arrived, my work is done.’ It’s an on-going practice. There are days when I wake up and feel like I have failed in every way imaginable. Self-worth is an ongoing practice for me and I don't expect it will ever be easy. Being kind and gentle with myself and de-programming from my experience in the ballet world has been really challenging. Spirituality and wellness practices have taught me that I’m worthy simply because I exist. If someone had told me that 3, 5, or 10 years ago I probably would have rolled my eyes. I think sometimes life brings us to our knees to teach us what we need to know, and at the exact time when we are finally ready to really hear it and have it land home. (This kind of feels like a collective experience currently!) If that makes sense...

I now find value in surrender, and trust in ‘not knowing,’ over achievements. I also value forgiveness. Because to find self-worth, we need to forgive ourselves for all the times we held, or continue to hold, ourselves to standards of who we "should be" instead of just being ourselves. Again, practice...

I’m not sure that answer is helpful, or feels uplifting, but it’s honest.

Special thanks to Kate Mattingly for the opportunity to speak with the University students. Kate Mattingly is an Assistant Professor at The University of Utah, School of Dance and holds a BA from Princeton University, an MFA Tisch School of the Arts, and PhD University of California, Berkeley.

Please feel free to ask your own questions in the comments section. I’d love to hear from you.